When i was 18 i have this one vision of im going to torture myself up till the day i am happy with my own self. Yes the vision didnt last long because the starting point of the journey doesnt seem to be right.
I broke my heart. Into. Pieces. Yes. On. That. Night.
I dress to impress.
I wore the most expensive skirt my mom ever bought me, the blouse was new too, the way i did my tudung was so cute until one cannot recognize me, shoes was quite high in volume which it was my first time wearing those kind of shoes (i might be wearing stilletoes tho but i dont own one) and makeups. I put on some foundation and dabbed some powder just to set things up, i added some colour on my eyelids to look cool and a lil vibrant, blusher for a sweet look and mascara for a dramatic glam eye. I put on some lipstick for my final touch and straight away to the mirror.
I observed myself.
"I look beautiful tonight."
I walked to the hall with a bright smile even it was an evening occasion which people cannot see me pun as i walked to the venue lol. Confidence. Confidence. As if im a model, i walked along the aisle and acted feminine. Feminine as i can get close to what you call feminine.
I was over-excited. I get to see the one who i wanted to see like so bad that night. Acting cool but still the excitement was there.
"You look different, man. What a surprise."
Yes that was me talking to mysef.
We made that eye connection several times but none of that worked. I stand near a corner in hope that ill be approached by the man but no nothing happened.
He was waiting for his girl that night.
Sad to be told but i look quite beautiful than usual on that night. The experience of dolling myself up for a man was not a good idea i guess but still in order to feel less insecure with my own self, i still faking myself up.
People keep telling me just be yourself, but i keep questioning myself, HOW?
This simple question that can change to a better you, need an answer.
Attention. I need that attention. I cannot forever live in a cave with all the bats. I need the attention and in order to do so, i force myself to do things that i dont want to do at the very first beginning.
I dont know when i need to stop. I just dont know.